“Relationship requires hard work”, “Relationships are hard work”… How many times have you heard something similar? It seems that someone is trying to instill in us an idea that in order to build a good relationship, you need to put a lot of effort, struggle, overcome difficulties which are inevitable. Are they?
Is it true that relationships are hard work?
When I first heard the statement that relationships are hard work, I didn’t have much experience to be able to assess it, so I just assumed it was true. However, now I understand how false and misleading it actually is. It makes you believe that no matter how weird your partner is, no matter what crazy stuff he or she does, you should put up with this as everyone is going through the same stuff – no relationship is easy, a relationship requires hard work. Do you think so too? If yes, keep reading to find out why you’re wrong.
Just like with anything else in life: you attract the kind of energy you radiate. I’ll explain. If you are negative, aggressive, abusive, the only kind of person you are going to attract in your life is a victim. Together you will ruin each other’s lives. If you are a victim yourself and you like to belittle your own achievements, whine, and tell everyone how insignificant or ugly you are or that you don’t deserve to be loved (or whatever else you may think of yourself) – there is little chance you’ll attract a mentally healthy person and not a toxic manipulative abuser. Because few normal people are attracted by negativity and few people are ready to put up with your issues and constantly persuade you that you’re not worthless or whatever illusions your mind may be drawing.
Now I am aware that a toxic relationship requires hard work but it’s that kind of work when you don’t know what to fix as everything is falling apart simultaneously. So, instead of working on trying to improve a toxic relationship that will never work out anyway, people should work on themselves – solve their psychological problems before entering a relationship they want to work out well.
Also, now I am aware that a healthy relationship doesn’t require hard work. A healthy relationship is healthy by definition. Two mentally healthy people without severe psychological issues can’t and won’t ruin each other’s lives. Even if something goes wrong, they will part. That’s it. There is no need for them to lie, abuse, offend, fight, etc.
So, as we have already figured out, a healthy relationship doesn’t require hard work, it requires right components.
Components you need to start a healthy relationship
Your own mental health
What is mental health? It’s not just the absence of mental illnesses. According to World Health Organization: “Mental health is a state of well-being in which an individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.”1
Before starting a new long-term relationship, you need to figure out your psychological problems and work on them either with a psychologist or on your own with help of appropriate literature and educational videos. Here is an article where I explain why mental health is utterly important if you don’t want to ruin your life.
You need to question your beliefs in terms of relationships and family and understand what made you think so. You need to analyze your past choices and their consequences. You need to realize that in most cases we live in the world of illusions drawn by our own mind which learned to react in a certain way to all similar situations. Sometimes the reaction is inappropriate. Sometimes, you can’t see the truth behind those illusions you’re used to live with. This is what illusions do to your life.
If you are desperate, needy, whiny, negative, quarrelsome, selfish, dishonest, bossy, vulgar, rude, sarcastic, greedy, aggressive or abusive – you will be unable to build a healthy relationship until you have at least one of those traits. Why? Because mentally healthy people respect themselves and they will never put up with stuff like that. You ALWAYS attract a similar kind of energy you radiate.
Do you know yourself well? Do you really know what you want? Forget about what your parents and society told you or what you saw as a child. What do you want from life and from your future partner? You should have a clear picture. You should know well what is appropriate behavior and what is inappropriate. You should have clear boundaries and know what you won’t put up with. Here is my article on how to deal with toxic manipulative people where I also explain what boundaries are and how to set them.
Mentally healthy partner
This is the most important component. Your partner may be hot, rich, seem smart but it all doesn’t matter if they are insane. Never give any promises or enter a relationship too quickly. You must be sure that this person is just as you imagined them to be and doesn’t have traits you can’t put up with. Be very strict when it comes to character traits. Don’t excuse abusive behavior, dishonesty, laziness, etc. if you don’t want to find yourself in a toxic relationship where you are the victim. If you feel that the relationship you’re in is toxic, read my eye-opening article The Truth You Should Know about Manipulative People.
For girls: if a boyfriend asks you to give him money, lend him money or pay for him, be cautious. A man that respects himself and values your opinion about him, will not ask you for that. Frankly speaking, probably he’s not that into you. Here are some other signs he’s actually not into you.
Mutual respect is more important than love because without mutual respect there is no true love. Even mentally healthy people may not have respect for each other due to numerous reasons, for example, misunderstanding.
The 5th component is love. Love is like glue: it holds everything together. True love is not something that happens at once. However, if later there is no love in a relationship, it won’t last. Therefore, it’s very important to choose a person who is truly into you.
As you can see, relationships are hard work for those whose relationships are toxic. A healthy relationship is not about trying to change your partner or quarreling in order to improve some aspect you don’t like, it’s about choosing the right person in the first place and being the right person yourself. A healthy long-term relationship is about being mentally healthy and mature.
Start with yourself and your right energy will attract the right person into your life with whom everything will be clear, simple, and as easy as it can be, with whom you’ll experience peace and understand that a relationship can be perfect without the need to be anxious about it and that the statement that a relationship requires hard work is rather false.
Check out a related article, 15+ Signs That He Loves You.
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